I hope you and yours have a fun day ahead.…
To Do: New Name
I officially changed my name Wednesday last week. Romantically: I gave Rob my name for his birthday. Realistically: I made him spend part of his day off at the Chinatown Social Security office.
I would like to celebrate with some new stationery now that the paperwork is in (and I only have another fifty or so more accounts to change, being a teenage bride would have been so much simpler). Classic ivory Crane’s correspondence cards with regent blue thermography and navy liners? Maybe a monogram? Too many choices.
What does my trusty 1975 edition of Emily Post have to say:
A Married Woman’s Paper
White, cream, light blue, gray, or light green are the proper colors…The paper is smaller than a man’s, approximately five and one-half by six and one-half inches…A married woman’s social paper is engraved “Mrs. William Frost,” rather than “Mrs. Mary Frost.” A professional woman may use her professional name without title -“Jane Author” rather than “Mrs. Robert Author” – on paper used for business correspondence.
An Unmarried Woman’s Paper
An unmarried woman’s paper is the same as a married woman’s in color and style. Her name at the top of the paper, however, is written without title. The envelope does, of course, include the “Miss.” The envelopes of stationary used for business purposes may be printed “Ms.” if she prefers that tile.
Well, there you have it! I also learned that some people have a map printed in the corner of their vacation-home paper to assist weekend visitors and that only young girls can have just their first name printed on their correspondence. Useful. I just need a good sale on personalized stationery to come along and I’m set.
Next Post: Domino Giveaway Winner
Previous Post: Inspired: Cousteau
You can’t be serious!
I read your blog regularly and enjoy it very much. You strike me as an independent intelligent woman, so why are you willing to erase your identity simply because you are married?
You are not less married if you sign Mrs. Emily _______ (whatever Rob’s last name is). I understand why when you form a new family you want to share the same family name. I even understand why you wish to stick to tradition and adopt your husband’s name instead of him adopting yours, but why on earth will you give up your private name? Why do you find it appropriate to have an independent identity only in your professional life? Do you really want the people you are corresponding with to identify you solely as Rob’s wife?
Hami
Take it with a grain of salt, Hami. I find etiquette and these sorts of traditions interesting, but I don’t follow them religiously.
I actually enjoy being called Mrs. (Hubster’s Name) in receiving correspondence – even though I’m supposed to be addressed as Dr. (My Name) for that, too. I married a wonderful, intelligent, successful guy, and I like to show it off 🙂
Guys, I love my huby, I’m very proud of him I enjoy our attachement, but I wont give up my name or separate existance.
I know it’s only ettiquete and tradition and I am no fan of an over zealous “PC” attititude, but at the end of the day, language creates reality and your private name is vey much part of your identity.
Hami
I’d like to add that an unmarried woman should certainly include her title if it is Dr. Unmarried Woman 😉
I love that I took my husband’s last name. I am a traditional romantic and wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t believe that a name actually defines who you are either. I define who I am, not my name. You could call me “mud,” and I would still be 110% me.
I get it. I changed to my husband’s name as a “you and me against the world” kind of romantic gesture. He was shocked to say the least. I still reserve my maiden name as a sort of middle name (my mom and lots of her generation used this same compromise) which helps when old friends are trying to connect.
Never had formal stationary though!
I agree with Hami, I was a little taken off guard when I read this post. I’m so shocked by the number of women in our generation who are still taking their husbands’ names. And it’s one thing to take the last name (even though I really didn’t expect as many of my friends to do that as they did) but to be addressed as Mrs. Joe Blow in 2009 is horrifying to me regardless of how wonderful and intelligent Mr. Blow happens to be. In this case a grain of salt just intensifies the pain, not the flavor. And yes, the name Mrs. Joe Blow doesn’t define who you are – it defines who you’re married to. You might as well go by “Wife” or “Woman” I think we need a new round of consciousness raising.
I have to jump in here as a married and traditional woman. It’s shocking, I know. Some of us actually do exist.
I find that my union with my husband is actually more complete in that we are united in marriage, in name, and in bank accounts. Incidentally, I find the American trend that veers away from such unions to be an outward manifestation of our culture’s tendency to prepare for divorce.
There! I said it. I’m sure I will be under fire shortly. But I won’t back down in saying that except in the most dire cases, marriage is for life. The point is to be united, not ready to divide.
Also, am jealous of the stationary. I am waiting for our new home before I invest!
Proudly,
Mrs. C
Isn’t it wonderful that women today have the CHOICE to change their names? It’s a personal decision, not one to be dictated by anyone else (on either side of the name-changing fence).
Well put!
Perhaps I was a bit overzealous in my last comment. I do definitely retain my personal identity in my marriage, and I’m not inclined to sign my letters Mrs. John C. However, I’d say a little bit of cling-to-thy-husband is not such a bad thing in our culture.
The hassles of name-changing are ridiculous, at best. A few hours in the social security office line are enough to drive the romance out of any situation! : )
I never considered the name-changing situation until I found myself actually there. Unexpectedly, I had a serious twinge at the thought of erasing the person I’d worked so hard to become over 24 years, and I was surprised how sad I felt at erasing that name. When I suggested to hubby that I might not make the change, I received an equally unexpected response: he was actually a bit sad that I wouldn’t want to share his name. I hit on a compromise…I didn’t want to embark on the hyphenation cruise (my name is already lengthy enough), but I use my maiden name professionally and my married name for the rest of life. At year 4, I am just finishing up the final tidbits of change. Whew!
Best luck with the rest of your name updates, MrsEm!
I find it so sad that women automatically get thrust into this very difficult decision but very few people ask men to even consider changing their names. It’s not easy and flippant to change the name by which you’re known. But women are very flippantly expected to struggle through this decision often without support, but instead with guilt, from the one they’re uniting with. Keeping your name is not preparing for divorce and changing your name is not a betrayal of your identity. You can unite with your husband in a very real way without taking his name (he unites with you without taking your name, right?) and you can keep your independence and your hard earned identity while taking a new name. Goodness, ladies, where’s the sisterly love and support while we struggle with the realities of social change?
What a sweet birthday present! I find the idea of all the forms daunting, but I would definitely be more motivated for a reason like that 🙂
A few years ago I worked at the Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR), so I know all about the practice of being known by your husband’s name only. Each year when the women convened for their annual meeting only then did I get to meet and see them as Agnes, Mary, Celeste, etc.
Em, I don’t think the problem is taking his LAST name at all, but that at the same time you would consider giving up your own FIRST name to become known as Mrs. Rob ____. I will probably take my future husband’s last name, but no way will I give up my first name. That’s quite a lot to give up.
(Though strangely, my word verification is dumpitt!)
I am getting married in September and I am going to be using my married name in my personal life and will use the dreaded “smith-doe” type name for work because after many years in my field, my clients and contacts know me as “smith”. I feel this is something each couple must decide for them. We all need to do what’s right for us and respect what other women and men do.
I took my husband’s name without too much thought to keeping my maiden name. I know that for some women it is a big decision. I feel like we’re on the same team now. It’s fun.
Oh, and not to be nit-picky, but stationery (paper) is with an ‘e’.
I understand that there are good reasons to change a last name or not to change one. But, for me, going by Mrs. Husband’s Full Name would place me in an earlier era that I am glad is gone. Even up to forty years ago, it was uncommon for women to be in my profession (law). I am proud that women are recognized more now for their own, full worth. Referring to me as Mrs. Husband’s Full Name would feel like part of that recognition of women as full(er) members of society was taken away.
Oh no! I’ve been misspelling “stationery” for ages – thanks for the tip!
I think it’s wonderful that a woman can choose to have whatever names she wants when she gets married. I don’t think it’s wonderful that they have to face a barrage of questions whether they choose His Name, Her Name, or Hers-His as their last name. Who CARES what someone else has as their surname? Life’s too short!
And also, I think it’s erroneous to teach that any part of our identity is defined by our last name. Maybe this can be part of the consciousness raising that was mentioned earlier.
As the person who initiated this discussion I just want to emphasize that the point (and my utter amazement) wasn’t about adopting the last name of a husband but about willing to give up your PRIVATE name and become known as Mrs. Rob ____.
I am sorry but my PRIVATE name is part of who I am and part of my separate existence. I do not exist solely by being a married woman.
Hami
What an interesting discussion. I think that it is interesting to note that Mrs. Em has consulted the 1975 version of Emily Post. That was 33 years ago and a lot has changed. It think that manners of every age are quite interesting.. especially the manners of Jane Austen’s time.
I love manners books and have several around. Emily Post is of course the American standard, but I also love to read in Debrett’s.. English manners are a bit different from what you would read in Letitia Baldrige’s (Jackie Kennedy’s White House Social Secretary)books.
I think it was smart of you to change your name now. I have 2 children… now their sir name is legally different from mine (although we all use the same sir name socially). I don’t use my maiden name except for business, but it’s on everything legal. I don’t like my name being different from my children legally. Changing it now seems like the most onerous chore that I haven’t gotten around to it. I thought your point about the teen bride was so true.
My husband and I have been married for almost five years, and we have a three year old child. I chose to keep my maiden name, primarily out of convenience. That said, we still live in a society that expects mother and child to share the same name. It has led to confustion at the pediatrician’s office, hospitals, airport customs, preschools, relatives, etc. Pretty much the only person who remembers to address me by maiden name is my father!
i grew up to with (still married) parents with different last names, so it always seemed normal to me (and despite the fact that back then it was even less common, it didnt really cause any problems having different last names).
I chose to hyphenate, but it was my own personal choice and I totally agree with the posters that its great that everyone has a choice now and can do what they want.
All of that said, Anne, I take offense to your comment that you are somehow more united in marriage because of your last name than my parents are, or than my husband and I am. My decision to keep part of my name (or my mom her full name) has nothing to do with not being fully and totally committed to our marriages. I moved halfway around the world for my husband.
I can understand that for you it is an important part of your union, but please dont imply that those who dont choose to are somehow less of a union.
…and no way am I giving up my Dr title just because I’m married! I’m perfectly happy to have us go by Dr. and Dr. 🙂
I have the 1965 Emily Post Etiquette and love it-knowing that there is a uniform way of doing things to set people at ease. People used to use that book so they wouldn’t be different and stand out in polite society…and now those of us who use it are the ones standing out! xx Tanner